We all expect riots soon. All those Europeans have been at it and they don't even have the Brown Gorgon and his collection of anencephalic witterers to contend with. We all expect it. Some have been trying to foment it and it might not be who you think.
We hear that the police expect a summer of rage in which stockbrockers and accountants will wave placards saying 'Hang on a minute' and 'Careful now' and perform random audits of the remaining High Street stores with malice aforethought. This is what we are led to believe, anyway.
That 'activists' are 'plotting' to stage violent protest. Well, there have been violent protests in the past. I recall one where the crowd wanted to cut off heads. As far as I could tell, all heads in the vicinity remained firmly attached throughout. This summer, they expect something worse. I can't work out what anyone could threaten that would be worse than cutting off heads.
These Brits stubbornly refuse to riot. When the Brown Gorgon stole their pension funds, they muttered. When they are passed over in favour of immigrants in all situations, they grumble. When Christmas is cancelled, they grit their teeth. When they find out about Government fiddles and expenses cheating, they shake their heads. When photographers are stopped, searched and arrested for taking photos, they swear a bit. When old ladies, assailed by thugs, defend themselves and are criminalised for it, they tut-tut. When they are fined for a bin that won't close, when old men on rollerskates are hauled into court, when council snoopers invent crimes and get a conviction anyway, the most the British can be induced to do is write a strong letter to the local paper.
I mean, it's not as if Labour haven't tried. They have poked and prodded and needled and Tazered the sleeping beast of Britain and all they managed to achieve is to make it shift a little in its slumbers. The British still refuse to riot.
So now our government has resorted to ordering us to do it. 'There will be riots this summer', they say. 'Your invitations are in the post and we expect you all to be there'. Weather permitting, naturally.
Soon we will find shotguns banned. Note the clever psychology in this story. Read it, stop halfway and ask yourself where it happened. You won't find out until very near the end. There will be more shotgun stories, so the public (who are, by and large, pretty dim) will be primed to agree that these weapons must be taken away. They want those riots from us. They don't want us to win.
We will see many more petty arrests and idiotic charges. Adding to those CCTV cameras (of which we will be reminded, often, that there are many), the police are testing out a new toy helicopter to spy on anyone, anywhere. A few of those looking through windows should get the anger going. Remember the dates of those riots? Not to worry, there will be reminders. Bring a packed lunch.
Following the murmured threats against bloggers comes the news that kid's computers will melt their brains. They must be discouraged from social networking. It's for their own good. That'll be the teenagers sorted. They can always be relied on to blow their tops.
So many insults and abuses, too numerous now to list anywhere.
Try telling the average pub-goer that the government actually wants riots this summer. That they would dearly love to have us all march, shout and break a few windows. They won't believe you and quite right too. It makes no sense at all.
No sense at all, apart from that Civil Contingencies bill, Labour's Enabling Act. It's gathering dust and the Gorgon is itching to play with it. Once he has that under way, no more elections, no more tedious discussion in Parliament and no more irritating democracy. The Gorgon will no longer need even the Labour party. He can just do what the hell he likes and there is then nothing more we can do about it.
He can't just set it in motion. He needs our help to do that.
He needs a riot. Preferably more than one, preferably in different cities. Down comes the already-suggested curfew laws, food rationing because we've already been told we're all obese, huge taxes on booze and cigarettes (for health reasons) huge taxes on gas, electricity and petrol (to save the sparrows) monitoring of all travel and communication (because there might still be 'activists' out there plotting to kill us all) monitoring of all spending (in case someone's stocking up on explosives) rewards for shopping thought criminals, compulsory identity papers and cameras, cameras everywhere. For our protection. Nothing to hide, nothing to fear, will be the new Slogan for Britain.
This used to be the sole preserve of the tinfoil hat brigade. I wish I'd listened to them sooner because now, most of that list is in place already. All that's needed is activation of the Civil Contingencies act and it's complete. He has a little over a year to provoke those riots. It's going to get pretty surreal in the coming months. But we have to grit our teeth and face him down.
If we don't riot, Labour are likely to be obliterated in a general election.
If we riot, there won't be one.