Apparently a gay group has been watching the Olympics with a view to the sexuality of the contestants.

Can't say I blame them. The only event I've shown the slightest interest in is the women's beach volleyball. Apparently it's some kind of ball game. I have no idea who's playing or what the score is for any of the games because somehow, I never thought to look at the scoreboard. 

As to scoring - fat chance, even if they weren't thousands of miles away anyway. So whether the women I'm ogling are straight or gay doesn't really matter because even if they were right in front of me, I'm unlikely to be their type. That's okay. It's just standard male fantasising. We've honed that to perfection over millenia and we're all very good at it.

The gay group, however, have taken it further. They have surveyed the contestants and found that only ten of the 10,500 athletes are openly gay. This, they declare, must be wrong. There must be more gays in there, and they want those gays to out themselves, now.

My question to the group is this: What in the name of Hell does it have to do with you, you pompous, self-righteous bunch of interfering old queens? If a hundred percent of those athletes were gay, I wouldn't care at all. If a hundred percent were straight, I still wouldn't care. It makes absolutely no difference. It's not like any of them are ever likely to call in at my place for a can of Tennent's Super and a plate of chips.

They are there to run, jump, swim, lift stuff or shoot stuff, jiggle about on the beach and do whatever else they do. It is not a Gay Pride march, it's the Olympics. Their sexuality is as irrelevant as skin colour or politics or religion. Those are nobody's business but their own. Stay out of it.

Are we now to see the Olympics ruined because they, like everyone else, will have to select their candidates based on a quota of gender, sexuality, race and religion? As in every other walk of life, to hell with ability. Fill the quota.

This gay group think that many athletes are silent about their sexuality in case they get discriminated against. Look, you mincing morons, perhaps they're silent about their sexuality because it's nobody else's business. Did that ever cross your minds? Perhaps they are silent about their sexuality because it has nothing whatsoever to do with their athletic abilities and is therefore irrelevant.

I don't carry around a placard saying 'I am Straight'. I don't wear a T-shirt saying 'Women, chase me, I'm easy to catch'. Well, not any more. Not since the drunk Bella Emberg-lookalike incident. It's nobody's business but mine.

Just because someone is gay, there is no obligation to announce it to the world. It's their business and theirs alone. I might have gay friends, I don't know. I've never asked. It's no concern of mine. It's no concern of anyone's. I don't ask married friends to describe the details of their sex lives and I don't ask single friends either. They could shag cats for all I care, as long as they keep it to themselves. I wouldn't even ask Claude Balls about that although it's tempting.

It goes further. MI5 are demanding that more gays join the service. Why? Surely they need people of intelligence, whether gay, straight, whatever. That old ban on homosexuals in the spy service was because of the risk of blackmail - but it only applied in the days when being gay was a problem. It doesn't apply now. Being gay is no longer a cause for blackmail, gay or straight are in the same boat when it comes to illicit affairs but the gayness doesn't matter any more. So why do MI5 specifically want more gay spies? 

Targets. Quotas. Political correctness. To hell with aptitude for the job, we must have the correct mix and everyone must be represented. Whether they are the best person for the job is no longer relevant. Are they a member of the group we need to make up numbers? That's what counts.

If you're gay, that's fine with me. Cuts down the competition. If you want to be blatant about it, fine with me. I'm not offended by your Gay Pride T-shirt because I'm not looking at it. I'm looking at the blonde tart in the belt-sized miniskirt behind you. That does not mean I'm going to keep quiet when you insist that everyone must display their sexuality for all to see. It's none of your business. It does not mean I'm going to keep quiet when you're taking a job based on some irrelevant factor such as sexuality rather than relevant factors such as actual ability. That is just plain stupid.

Sexuality, race, religion, politics, should not even feature at all in any job questionnaire and should never be asked about at interview, or afterwards. These 'equal opportunites' forms are not about equal opportunities. They are about quotas. How would you feel if you were offered a job, having met other candidates who you knew were better qualified, just because you were a tick in the right box? Would you feel elated or patronised? I know which I choose.

Sexuality is irrelevant in the Olympics and irrelevant in MI5, as it is irrelevant in government, the civil service, the police, the fire brigade, medicine, sewage works and banana picking. The only place it matters at all is in the porn industry. That's it. Anywhere else, if anyone asks you which way you hang, tell them to mind their own bloody business.

It shouldn't matter. Pressure groups are those that force it to matter. Get rid of those groups and we can all just get along.

Oh, and shoot all the politically correct too. It's okay, they don't feel pain.