I had planned to rant about the mysterious 'council official' who fined a woman for feeding the ducks. However, Al-Jahom has it covered. The Telegraph article has no photos but the Mail has a close-up of what the official wrote down as the reason for the fine. The crime defined is 'throwing bread for birds'. That's illegal now. Someday soon, one of these people will be found floating in that pond. If I see it happen, I didn't see a thing.

The format of such stories is always the same. An anonymous uniformed arse does something indefensively stupid and the authorities defend it as quite right and proper. No apology is ever forthcoming. No official is ever disciplined. Nobody is to blame other than the poor sap who has to take the fine for something that's been deemed illegal on the spur of the moment by someone who should not be entrusted with the care of a compost heap.

The only way I will ever accept any kind of fine from anyone is if they can show me their ID. I don't mean a flash of a card that could be a bus pass. I mean show me ID that I can read the name on. I want that name. No name, no ID, I don't believe you are genuine and will not accept the paper. If I'm ever in a position to talk to the newspapers about some idiotic council moron i will not say 'council official'. I will give them that name. The papers are good at tracking people down and getting photos of them.

The uniform means nothing. Anyone can dress up in a uniform. Demand ID or it's no fine. They are ordering you around and demanding money, they have to prove they have the right to do that. Get the name. Remember it. Name these people. If they have nothing to hide, they have nothing to fear.

Anyway, I let the duck story slide because I found a funnier one.

Autumn leaves are now litter. Expect to see fixed penalty notices pinned to offending trees soon, or more likely to the door of anyone who has a deciduous tree in their garden. These leaves cannot be composted, they must be deemed irretrievable rubbish and sent to landfill. Something that recycles naturally without anyone sorting it into any bins is taking up landfill space, while the rest of us have to sort the bottles and tins so that we don't put so much in landfill... does your head hurt yet? Try not to think about it too hard. Your councils and government aren't thinking about it at all.

Councils say they are unable to compost even those from otherwise clean suburban streets because of fears they may be “contaminated” with rubbish and cigarette ends.

Oooh, cigarette ends. Guess what cigarettes are made of? Leaves. The filters? Cellulose. That's the stuff leaves are made of. It's entirely compostable. Especially when mixed with the plant material it originated from. It won't make your nasturtiums into nicotine addicts. You won't find your dahlias having a quick puff behind the shed. The amount of tobacco involved when you sweep up a few fag-ends with a ton of leaves is trivial. It will have no effect on the composting process and there will be no detectable nicotine in the final product. There will be absolutely zero uptake of nicotine by your vegetables. Zero.

However those collected from parks and gardens can be used to make “food grade” compost because they are more likely to be litter free.

Parks and gardens have no litter? Really? When the wind blows on bin day, every garden around here looks like landfill. And what, precisely, is 'food grade' compost? Who eats the stuff? They must mean 'free of toxins' such as the terrible, terrible traces of tobacco. They do not, of course, separate yew or laburnum from those leaves they pick up in the park. Those toxins are just fine. They are, of course, nothing to worry about because they will be degraded in the compost almost as fast as a tobacco residue and since you don't eat compost, they aren't important.

A spokesman said: “Councils aren’t doing this because they enjoy throwing leaves into landfill, they would not be doing it if there was any other choice.”

There is a choice. In my shed there's a round thing with holes in. I call it a 'sieve' and I use it to get the twigs and other crap out of compost so I plant things in a good fine lump-free material. Compost the crappy leaves and then use a big shaking sieve to get out any cans or bottles that might have gone in with them. If they are so desperately concerned that a smoker might have contaminated them, sell it as low-grade compost for flower beds, marked 'not for food-growing use'. I don't believe it makes a scrap of difference but people stupid enough not to realise that tobacco is made of leaves will regard it as vitally important. So I'd buy the cheaper low-grade stuff all the time.

It's not about the leaves, though, is it? It's all about the only thing this government cares about at all.

It means that local authorities in England and Wales are paying up to £1.5 million collectively in landfill tax every year just to dispose of autumn leaves, it is estimated.

An estimated figure with a lot of zeros after it. What could be coming next? Smokers are contaminating that lovely compost and must pay more to compensate. Anyone caught littering should have their house emptied and their bank accounts frozen. That guy who dropped the (also compostable) match should be bankrupted. He's costing us all money!

These council officials will never stop litter. They target someone who drops a match or someone who throws bread to ducks. They will never approach the hoodied horde dropping their plastic takeaway trays or the rowdy drunks leaving cans and bottles lying around everywhere. Never. That lone guy smoking - watch him like a hawk, he might drop the end on the floor. The gang shouting and shoving people and leaving a trail of debris, no, leave them, they might get rough. The litter will never stop because nobody is really trying to stop it. They are out collecting fines from easy targets.

One day, that 'easy target' they pick will prove to be the local psychotic madman. I hope I'm around when that happens.

Of course, I'd never be able to identify the guy who pulverised the Stasi official and impaled him on that car aerial. It all happened so fast.

Still, he can go in the compost so he won't be wasted.