Anyone remember those caped crusaders, Chicory Tip? I had a 7-inch vinyl copy of this when I was a schoolboy. A pupil, they used to call us then, because we learned things. They don't use the term any more. I'll also bet that a) this record would be banned and roundly condemned, leading to questions in The House if it were released now and b) there is not a teacher in the country who would have the nerve to play it at a school disco, nor even a DJ who would dare play it at a 16th birthday party.

In fact, you would have heard it on Radio Luxembourg in the early seventies but not on Radio One. Even then, they went all faint and had palpitations at the mere mention of smoking. Radio One never played it. Our school disco played it. The teachers drew the line at Judge Dread. We never sneaked one of those past them.

Well, nowadays it would be called 'Women and wine' if it was to get anywhere. Then again, there's this thing about wine and about booze in general. The Righteous don't like it. We horrible little proles enjoy it and the thought of a smile on a prole's face gives the Righteous an attack of the vapours. They are working on drink in exactly the same way they worked on smoking. The current state of play is that they are trying to ban boozy sponsors of sport. So if you're an amateur athlete hoping to maintain your amateur status for the Olympics, well, you cannot be sponsored by tobacco or booze or they won't let you in. I hope your local rotary club and scout troop are exceptionally wealthy. Wait - forget the scouts. You'll need CRB checks before they're allowed to look in your direction.

Chicory Tip's song, then, becomes 'women and'. Not much of a title and at least half of it is overtly sexist so that'll have to go.

And now, with their hit song 'and', here's Chicory Tip. No, it's not going to work. Perhaps if we replace the words with something harmless, like herbs?

Parsley-Sage, Rosemary and Thyme
Are the only three habits of mine -

Nope. That's four habits and they're not really habits. While we're on the subject, that island part of the song is no good. It alludes to immigration and any mention of immigration is racist. Why not use somewhere in the UK? A well known seaside resort, like perhaps Scarborough?

Oh, and the band name. Chicory? What with all the herbs in the song, it's coming over a bit too herby. Could imply herbal highs and that's bad, m'kay? We'll think of a new name. Then there's all that rock music thing which everyone knows is backward Satanist chanting. So soften it guys, chill the tune. We don't want people getting overexcited.

Now, how about this? Isn't that better?

The 'and' is fine. You can keep the 'and'. Unless it offends someone disabled...

Best play safe. Use words nobody understands and a band name that makes no sense. No instruments at all, and the lead should, in the name of equality, consist of a shrill woman with a mouth the size of Denmark and a man who has just got out of the shower with his head on upside-down.

Ideal. No smoking, no boozing, no sex and no jigging prole could ever work out how to dance to it. 

Call Simon Bowels, we have the future of Righteous music here. And, funnily enough, the past.